For men

Men and women may manage their emotions in different ways. While women tend to express their emotions and reach out for the support they need, men are more likely to battle through on their own and tend to hide or ignore their emotions. ¹²

There are many reasons why men may find it hard to express their emotions. Some of these include:

• Being raised in a society where expressing fear and sadness are usually unacceptable.³
• Being taught that to be a man you need to be strong and not cry.⁴
• A culture that portrays men in the media as heroic, tough, fearless stereotypes.⁵
• Growing up aspiring to be like the men in your life who are often unable to express emotions themselves. If they do express themselves, feelings such as sadness may be converted to anger or pride, a feeling they find more socially acceptable.⁶
• Many men experience emotions as physical sensations in their body. For example, you may feel anxiety as a knot in your stomach, being sad as tightness in your throat, or anger as a flash of heat in your face.⁷
• Boys have been taught not to cry or to find the words to express how they are feeling. By not being taught to understand the connection between the sensations you feel in your body with the word that describes these emotions, it is difficult to describe to someone else when things aren’t going so well.⁸

The four basic emotions that every one of us feels are:

• happiness
• sadness
• fear
• anger.⁹

Emotions are normal and trigger behaviour or action in response to events or situations we are experiencing in our lives.¹⁰

Negative emotions such as fear and sadness can direct us to withdraw from situations we feel threatened by, or anger may lead us to act to improve a situation or to take revenge.¹¹

Positive emotions lead us to being playful or creative and can encourage us to explore the environment around us. Consequently, these experiences can create more positive emotions, helping us grow stronger social connections with family, friends and our community, and improve the skills (such as problem solving and social skills) we need to negotiate the world we live in.¹²

Emotions drive how we behave and can change on a daily basis but also during different stages of our lives. Our experiences can impact on our emotions. Some examples of these experiences are:

• death of someone close to you
• relationship break-up, separation, divorce¹³¹⁴
• a long-term chronic illness such as diabetes¹⁵, chronic pain¹⁶ or cancer¹⁷
• unemployment, retirement or financial stress¹⁸¹⁹
• someone close to you being diagnosed with a serious, life threatening illness²¹
• being diagnosed with a serious, life threatening illness
• pressures associated with work²² or school e.g. FIFO, shiftwork, long hours etc.
• social or physical isolation
• injury impacting on work or the ability to play sport²³
• loneliness
• starting a new job or moving house
• problems with alcohol or other drug use²⁴
• pressure of having to provide for and support your family
• pregnancy of a partner and birth of a child²⁵
• assault, bullying or harassment
• social media pressures such as social rejection and bullying, online dating, keeping up with perceived lifestyles projected online e.g. fake reality
• body image pressures to look a certain way that are exaggerated by social media.

Why it is important for you to talk about how you are feeling?

As a man there are a lot of societal pressures to be strong emotionally and not to show how you are really feeling. So it’s easy to ignore or hide emotions and not deal with them. Ignoring emotions can affect your physical and mental health and can result in:

• feelings including isolation and loneliness, frustration, anger, anxiety or depression
• insomnia
• increased stress
• problems with relationships due to emotional withdrawal, which can result in less support from people close to you

What can you do?

• Start by being aware of the sensations in your body (such as tightness in your chest, difficulty breathing, increased heart rate, feeling hot or cold). Which emotion might be connected to that sensation? Is it sadness, frustration, anger or fear? Is this emotion related to something that is happening to you now or something that happened in the past?
• It can help to be aware of when these sensations occur and what is happening when they do.
• Initially, it may be easier to talk about how you are feeling if you can describe these physical sensations rather than talking about emotions.
• Talking about how you are feeling is tough, it takes practice just like other skills you’ve learnt, so take it easy on yourself. Have courage to take a risk and talk to someone you trust when things are not going well. Everyone feels vulnerable at some time, it’s part of being human. You may be surprised at how much relief you feel getting it off-your-chest. The person you choose to talk to may have been through something similar in the past. So ask for the support you need.
• If you don’t have anyone you feel comfortable talking to, try calling Mensline Australia on 1300 789 978. The Mensline website also offers practical strategies for tough situations that you may find helpful.

Becoming a father

While getting the news you are going to be a father may be wonderful but it can also feel daunting especially if you are becoming a parent for the first time. Like all new things there is a lot to learn about being a parent and it is a big adjustment for both men and women. Once your child is born both parents are likely to go through a period of time getting used to the changes that a new baby brings to your everyday life.

For men the experience of their partner’s pregnancy, delivery and learning the ropes of being a parent are different from women. Women tend to prepare for being a parent during pregnancy because the experience of being pregnant and feeling the child moving is real for them. For men the reality of being a father often hits following the birth of their child and can feel overwhelming.

By being involved from the beginning of pregnancy, attending antenatal classes, planning on being at the birth, talking to other fathers and learning how to look after your baby, such as learning how to change a nappy and how to bathe your child, provides opportunities for bonding with your child and in turn supports your partner by giving them a break or to get some much needed sleep.²⁶

While mothers are usually intently focused on their new baby’s needs, fathers can often feel left out and unsure of what to do or if there is a right way to do things. Value your role as a dad, take the plunge and get involved. There is no right or wrong way to do things and as a dad you need to find what works for you.²⁷

For more information on what to expect and how to be involved go to Mensline Australia website

Anxiety and depression in men during a partner’s pregnancy and following the childbirth

Experiencing some anxiety about a big change in life like becoming a father is normal and even though you may be excited about the future, thinking about what it will be like with a new baby in the house, the changes this will bring to your life and how to look after a baby can be overwhelming. Too much anxiety can affect your ability to cope and the enjoyment of being a new dad.²⁸

Feelings of anxiety and/or depression can be common for men during their partner’s pregnancy and following childbirth, and many men can experience both these issues at the at the same time.²⁹

Research shows around 1 in 10 men experience depression during their partner’s pregnancy and up to 12 months after their baby is born.³⁰

Seeking help for anxiety and/or depression may feel uncomfortable but it is important to be assessed and treated as the symptoms can get worse if left untreated.

Signs and symptoms of anxiety and depression

You may be inclined to disregard some of the symptoms below, such as feeling tired and exhausted, being due to having a new baby in the house but if you are experiencing any of these symptoms for longer than two weeks it is important to seek help. The earlier you seek support the more quickly you are likely to feel better.

 The symptoms of anxiety and depression are different for every person and may include a number of the following symptoms:

• Lack of motivation, lack of energy or feeling persistently feeling tired or exhausted.
• Difficulty thinking clearly or making decisions.
• Feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, hopeless, helpless, like a failure.
• Low mood, sad, empty or numb.
• Headaches that won’t go away, muscle tension.
• Lack of interest in sex.
• Not eating or eating too much.
• Sleeping too much or difficulty sleeping that isn’t related to the baby’s sleep.
• Feeling resentful, angry or irritated (especially by those close to you).
• Emotional withdrawal from your partner, baby, family and friends
• Fear of caring for the baby and not feeling helpful.
• Withdrawing from family and friends and activities you usually enjoy.
• Feeling isolated.
• Using alcohol or other drugs to cope.
• Suicidal thoughts or behaviours.^{31 32 33 34}

If you are having thoughts about suicide and thinking your partner, baby and family would be better off without you it is time to seek help immediately. It is never too late to seek help.

Help and support

• Talk to someone you trust, such as another father, about how you are feeling.
• If you don’t want to talk to someone close to you call a support line.
• See Mental Health Support Services for Couples, Parents and Families.
• Talk to your GP.
• If it is an emergency call 000.

Support resources and links

First time dad? Try not to feel you’re “on the outside”

INFO & SUPPORT FOR NEW DADS

Being a Dad pamphlet - A resource for Aboriginal fathers

Dadvice provides information for new and expectant parents, covering everything from bonding with your baby to spotting the signs of anxiety and depression.

The How is Dad Going? Website provides information specifically for men adjusting to fatherhood.